Have you ever felt like you are failing at motherhood? That other moms are so much better at it than you?
Unfortunately you are not alone. I would assume that most moms doubt their parenting ability and constantly compare themselves to an unrealistic super mom they created in their mind. It doesn’t help when we are constantly being told what a “good mom” is or is supposed to be.
If you are struggling with insecurity in motherhood know that there is no perfect mom. There is no model of what a great mom is. Being a good mom is not defined by other people, being a great mom is defined by the impact you have on your children.
Here are a few things you can do to boost your mom-confidence and overcome the social pressures of motherhood.
- Take a social media detox.
- Release perfectionism.
- Practice positive self talk.
- Find a mommy-tribe.
- Avoid negative people.
- Get some help.
- Journal.
Take A Social Media Detox
One confidence killer is the unrealistic lives displayed to us through social media. Please, if you want a sure fire way to feel lacking, scroll through the thousands of moms on social media who simply boast the narrow view of a “perfect life”.
Why does every mom-fluencer seem like they have all the energy in the world. How in the hell is she organizing closets with perfect matching accessories and labels she made herself, all while being a mom to 4 kids? All I seem to be good at is watching cartoons and half-assedly picking up after my tornado kids. What’s wrong with me?
If you find yourself feeling that same way while you are scrolling instagram or the like, it may be time for you to comb through the people you follow, reducing the ones that make you have feelings of insecurity, and following ones that don’t make you feel inferior. You might need a straight up detox, or you could change up your friends list.
Release Perfectionism
When I struggled feeling confident in my ability to be the parent I had envisioned, I realized that my obsession with creating the perfectionism I envisioned was negating my ability to be the confident mom I wished I was.
For me, and for many other moms, the only way I could be proud of something is if it turned out perfect. If it was everything I imagined it to be.
Motherhood is messy and far from perfect. We need to do everything we can to remember that the lens in which we see ourselves is not the lens in which our children see us. They see us through a totally different set of binoculars. Most often, after whatever activity you produced in effort to create this perfection you dream of, you may see chaos and feel defeated while your children experience the perfection you imagined.
Mama, not everything has to be done by you to be perfect. Release the idea of perfectionism and grasp the concept of “good enough”. That tension, that expectation, that notion, is completely ridiculous and holding your confidence hostage.
Practice Positive Self Talk
Like The Beatles said, all we need is love. And that love needs to begin with the love you have for yourself. Negative self talk can cripple any inkling of happiness and confidence you have.
The other day I was thinking about how horrible it was that I let my kids sleep in my bed most nights. I felt that I was a bad mom for continually failing to put them to sleep in their own beds. Then I had a realization, I shouldn’t feel bad about that.
I shouldn’t feel bad that I get to cuddle my babies to sleep every night, sleeping close to them, waking up to their small bodies curled against mine. They will only be little for so long, and if it doesn’t bother my husband or I, why am I feeling bad about it?
I then turned those negative thoughts into positive ones– My kids will remember snuggling into my bed, they will feel close to me, safe and secure. I will remember what they looked like as they slept and the many times I woke up with a foot in my back or an arm over my face. The positives started making me happy.
The next time you are thinking about yourself poorly ask yourself, is this really something I should be feeling bad about? Does it hurt anyone? I am feeling like this because of an image I have in my head?
Find A Mommy Tribe
Finding people who understand you and understand how beautifully chaotic motherhood is will benefit you tremendously. Finding a pack of moms that support you and lift you up will have your confidence growing.
It can be difficult to find just the right moms to hang with, especially if your current friends do not fit in the mom category. Keep your eyes and ears open, join some play groups, some mommy facebook groups, and put yourself out there. You will know when you meet moms that mesh with you.
Avoid Negative People
Just as finding the right people can boost your confidence, avoiding the wrong ones can be just as if not more important.
Do not keep people around you that make you feel bad about yourself.
Read that again.
If you are constantly in the presence of someone that makes you feel less then, it’s time to remove yourself from that setting. Even if that person is not directly being awful to you, their negative energy can affect you.
There are even times that you have to remove yourself from being around people who are not negative or mean spirited. Sometimes you need to disconnect from people who unconsciously make you feel hopeless, less than, or guilty.
Get Some Help
There’s a constant theme when I write about appreciating life and becoming more happy, and that is asking for help.
Giving and receiving help goes a long way. We humans are not meant to be alone and we are not meant to do everything ourselves.
It takes a village, and if you are able to find help from someone in your village it can reduce your load and encourage you to focus on things that need focusing.
Your ability to help others is also beneficial to your confidence. Helping others can be just as fulfilling as receiving help. It also can make you more confident in asking for help.
Journal
The power of journaling is truly amazing. Grab hold of the feelings of assurance and don’t let them go. Write down the reasons you are awesome and what makes you great!
Take time to reflect on the good. Write about what made you happy. Write about your kids, what their current obsessions are, what they learned. Write about what made you a good mom that day.
Then when you are having a bad day, struggling with confidence as a mother, read the passages you wrote. Soak in the memories of the good days and encourage yourself to know that even in the bad days, you are an awesome mom.
You’re doing great, I promise.
What are some ways you overcome the social pressures of motherhood? What makes you an awesome mom? What made your mom great?
This is a great list and all the points make sense. Especially the social network detox, seeing all those images of moms and babies who have it all together when you barely managed to get dressed can amplify the feeling of being somewhat inept. We forget that an image doesn’t tell the whole story.
Thank you Cristina, it can be hard to not play the comparison game when what we mostly see is the “highlight reel” of other people’s lives. I appreciate your comment.